How do we reconcile the flaws of the people we love
with the people we thought they were?
What about when we may not like the people we love?
When they let us down and break our hearts?
How do we have faith in people when they let us down?
How do we go on when we have to face our issues?

when I was little my parents were my heroes
they would fix anything
I could run to them in the middle of the night
they would make the bad guys go away

they were perfect, they would live forever
they would always protect me

now they're gone
and I am left to be my own superhero

Did I lie?

you are becoming someone I don't recognize
it scared me, you scare me

no matter what, I still love you

How do we forgive our fathers?

Maybe in a dream.
Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever, when we were little?
Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage,
or making us nervous because there never seemed to be any rage there at all?
Do we forgive our fathers for marrying, or not marrying, our mothers?
Or divorcing, or not divorcing, our mothers?
And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?
Shall we forgive them for pushing, or leaning?
For shutting doors or speaking through walls?
For never speaking, or never being silent?
Do we forgive our fathers in our age, or in theirs?
Or in their deaths, saying it to them or not saying it.
If we forgive our fathers, what is left?
- Sherman Alexie, Dick Lourie

missed the boat

How did we get our timing so wrong?

Will we get a second chance or is the moment gone?

just another love sick teenage girl

I never intended to become one, a love sick teenage girl. I had intended to avoid all the chiches in high school, to blaze a new trail and be unique. And then I fell for you and all my promises to different fell by the wayside. Honestly, I threw them to the wayside so I could chase you. I did. We fell, tumbling together, head over heels in love. There were butterflies in my stomach and fireworks when we kissed. Leaving you broke my heart, my chest ached to leave you. The thing sappy love stories don't tell you is how hard it is to leave, to move on. Unlike the stories, I don't know if I get a happy ending. My comfort lies in youth, I have time. Someday I will find someone new. Someday I will fall in love again. I think some small part of me will never fall out of love with you.

I know it's crazy

but I you could be my forever.
we get each other like no one else does,
we laugh at the same stupid jokes,
we both love kids,
we are both water people,
we are enough different to keep life interesting,
we talk for hours,
we share secrets,
we dream of he same adventures,
we both just want to be happy,
we can sit together for hours,
we want to see the world,
we are best friends,

we could be in love

someday,
we could be forever

today,
your just my friend
and I love you

before I opened my eyes I forgot:
It's over
I can't see the look you have, just for me
or your the way you smell when your arms are wrapped around me,
How you can bake my stomach fluter and my heart accelerate.

it's easier not to think of you now,
but when something little reminds me of you
I wonder how I could possibly forget for a moment.

I am learning that falling out of love is much harder than falling in...
in the moments before I woke up there was a smile on my face

I miss you

is this the eye of my hurricane, or has it finally ended?

This morning driving over I-90 I saw the most amazing cloud of little black birds over the lake. This absolutely astounding three second moment. No one else seemed to see this unusual cloud of birds.

So I looked up black bird symbolism and here is what the internet has to say:

"The blackbird is symbolic of omens and mysticism as well as the color of fear and promise. It is a reminder to look outside of ourselves for clues and meanings to see what is in store for us in the future. Black is a color associated with loss and fear but it is also associated with promise. For instance we wear black at a funeral but also to a new job interview. The color black varies drastically in its meaning and so does the blackbird, this symbol holds both good and negative things to come in your future."

Fear and Promise, that is shockingly apt for my life right now.

Just Another Shadow

she grabbed the leash and stormed out of the house
hearing a boom and feeling a burst of air as she slammed the door behind her
her feet angrily stomped the pavement as she walked
Maya's stubby legs blurred as she struggled to keep up

i can't believe them they are so STUPID uuuuugh! this is so crazy that's it I am running away so I don't have to deal with this shit any more uuuugh! the worst part is just screw it screw them all

lifted her chin screaming "FUCK THE WORLD!"
Her throat stung with the force of her curses,
and some of her anger subsided.

on top of the usual school, homework, boys and lack of sleep problems her best friend hadn't spoken to her in a month. It all started with a stupid new boyfriend, the kind of guy with a real winning personality, NOT! Oh! and a propensity to smoke himself into oblivion- clearly a keeper. She loved her friend but it seemed latley all Ashley did was party, smoke and generally avoid homework. She was addicted. Ashley had liked the occasional party, they both had, but now Ashley couldn't stop. A month ago before she started skipping SAT prep classes that she wanted to go to Dartmouth. Now Ashley was contented to go wherever she could get in without any effort. She missed her friend she was lost and lonely. She was simultaneously pissed her BEST friend could just up and dump her. She knew why, Ashley was an addict. Mostly, she was worried for her friend and lost for what to do to get her back. Should she tell Ashley's mom? No, she couldn't betray her friend like that. But, Ashley needed help and she needed her friend back.

So she threw back her head and screamed it again,
"FUCK THE WORLD!" she hollered.
This time she felt the anger drain from her body,
replaced with bone crushing exhaustion.

She stopped slumped to the ground of someone else's lawn.
Tears began rolling down her face.

For a moment she wished to be a kid again. Wished, she could run to her mom and tell her everything. She wished her Mom could give her a hug and make it all better, make it go away. She was too young for this. She didn't know how to fix it. She was helpless. She hugged Maya, taking comfort in her furry warmth.

She got up and begun the walk home,
wiping the stinging tears from her face.

Emerging from the darkness, just shadow of a girl walking the dog.

Note: Getting out of my car Wednesday night I heard a girl walking a dog screaming "fuck the world" on my dark street. I found myself wondering her story so I wrote it.

Cranial Nerves

the cool thing about science is that unlike rules of grammar or the laws of numbers,it existed before we did. The way chemicals interact has been the same for eons, they are concrete and unchanging. They explain why things happen the way they do they was elements interact. Those elements interact in us we are just organisms made of atoms controled by electrical impulses that trigger hormones which are simply the interaction of chemicals comprised of elements. We walk and talk and think and feel because a bunch of elements. Some people believe only in science thinking that they cannot have faith in any god. I see things another way, I see a miracle in people all we are is a pile of matter and yet our bodies heal themselves and evolve and best of all those piles of matter have the power to choose. So, as I question the religion I've been taught and grapple with what to believe I do have faith in the miracle of well... us, humans.

a relic of freshman year that stuck with me

"Dear God," she prayed, "let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere-- be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost." - A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

this time last year I dreamed of running away
this time this year I have just returned from running away

yet somehow I feel like I am back in the same place
I have learned so much, experienced so many new things

grown up

endured

and yet so much is the same

it didn't fade with the dawn

four teenagers sitting in the basement.
lives just beginning,they could do anything they want.
so many firsts they've had and so many yet to experience.

they discuss the future, their paths beginning to materialize,
yet so much is still uncertain.
as the conversation continues eyes meet.
Begin a conversation of their own,
the kind only two people in love can share.

the other two realize that they are now alone in the conversation,
they happily exchange a knowing look, one giggles,
as they remember what its like to be newly in love.
the four sit together in a room,
the air tangibly full of young love and possibility.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

four adults share a dingy flat in eastern europe,
years have passed,the same four find themselves in another basement.
this basement is more chaotic,
with an odd smell coming from the ugly green carpet.

they begin another part of their lives,
very different from the last one.
one couple still has a few adventures left in them,
the other has settled down,they are expecting a child.

the group recounts their days as they prepare dinner.
someone meantions a certain movie,
two best friends share a look and laugh,
two boys shake their heads
at two girls they have no hope of understanding.
they are embraced by the atmosphiere of hope and years of love and friendship.

if I close my eyes

I can still taste you on my lips
feel your touch on my skin

I miss you

now I'll wait for time to pass
wait until I've forgotten you

just a little