Thanks Mykaila

Non school day
1. Shampoo
2. Conditioner
3. Doctor Bonner’s (15 in 1)
4. Other conditioner stuff
5. Other hair stuff
6. Toothpaste
7. Deodorant
8. Contact solution
9. Nail polish
10. Eye liner
11. Eye shadow
12. Mascara
13. Foundation
14. Face lotion stuff
15. Moisturizer stuff
16. Lotion
17. Shaving cream
18. Chapstick
19. Lip-gloss

Normal Day
1. Shampoo
2. Conditioner
3. Doctor Bonner’s
4. Deodorant
5. Burt’s Bees

Rico and Bary

my parents have some odd friends and today two of them came over. Bary aka the Magic Man who worked with my parents and currently lives in Tokyo he routinely tries to convince my parents that they shouldn't let me drive until I am 26 and tells my parents I should go to Westpoint (mostly jokingly). The other guy who is was at our house is the infamous Rico. Rico is a business genius who is responsible for saving most of my parents' retirement fund. Interesting group of people leads to some very interesting conversations.

Home, Anywhere From Home

I was thinking today about how the times I have felt most at home have been in other countries. It's weird, perhaps there is something wrong with me but I feel at home when I'm not home. To find myself I leave, I go away, and when I've been gone I haven't missed my family.

Self-Help Section

a little secret about myself some of my favorite books have come from the self-help section not because I think that my problems can be solved by a book, actually I don't thing anyone but me can solve my problems but thats not the point. The point is I never though I could like anything from the self-help section and I discounted it. Then went looking for a book that incedentally was in the self-help section, and I realized there is some good stuff there.

blank

an open field, a blank expanse
sprinkled with a wide aray of thoughts

they nothing comes to mind
but the dull monotiny of obligation

and the urge to leave
to run away

Simplicity

dreaming of being free
running barefoot
hair flying in the wind
tangling itself into a knotted ball
getting dirty
making a mess
like before I grew up

I knew less math,
less history, less science
but I was smarter then
I knew more about life,
more about love
I loved unconditionally
without fear rejection or heartbreak
I just lived
and loved

Somedays

somedays its harder,
not to think about you

somedays you are in my head,
and I think I love you

somedays I realize,
you are an ass

somedays I remember,
the things we might have had

somedays I wonder,
if I dodged a bullet

somedays I am confused as hell,
and I wish we had a future

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place"

- Buddhist Wisdom

Memories

beep, beep, beep
slowly struggling to concienceness
relectance to leave my warm cocoon
then I remember last night
the things you said
a smile creeps onto my lips
as a drift back to sleep

Lost

it didn't happen at once
it wasn't all that one day

it left in little bits
slowly

for months it wasn't apparent
how much was gone

where did it go?

Edge of he Ocean

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.

And the sky is deep and blue.

Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.

Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.

At the edge of the ocean

We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known

Somewhere far away from home.

- Edge of he Ocean, Ivy

Mother Dearest

I wish we got along, I really do
and I routinely decide to try harder to get along
then she pisses me off or I piss her off
and no one is getting along
its so damn frustrating
why can't we just effing get along
its not like we have forever to make it work

I wonder if she is happy
its weird to think of my Mom as a person
someone other than just my Mom
who gets mad at the little things
the things that don't matter
so we aren't friends

Fever Dreams

Listen guys I have something to tell you
I got a call from the doctor
it was bad news
~~~~~
Your Mom is going to another "appointment" tonight
make your brother dinner
Dad, what is wrong?
I'll tell you later
~~~~~
Its stage three, metastatic
don't look up the statistics
I'm not gonna end up like the others
I love you
~~~~~
tears. fear. panic.
laying on the floor in a deflating mattress
tears silently sliding, pooling
sobbing salty mess
a sick feeling
~~~~
2am alone
I love you don't go
please god don't take her I need her
she can't go, she can't go, she can't leave me
~~~~
She is gone again tonight
make dinner for your brother
remember she loves you
~~~~
why didn't you clean your room
silence
I asked you three times
silence
please just do this for me
~~~~
she is not feeling well,
sleeping in
can you get your brother up
I'll be back to bring you to school
~~~~
I'm sorry, so sorry
that we can't get along
I love you

I wish I told you

Miloval jsem vás
Neřekl jsem nic
první, co jsem si zamiloval
a teď to nevadí

Nevím, proč jsi mě miloval,
co jste viděli ve mně
jste mě miloval

a myslím si, že jste stále ještě
Pořád tě miluju
takže se nemusíte vzdávat

something I wish I said
my Grandma helped me translate

A Little Story

She raised her hand and knocked
waiting, she almost ran home

"don't say anything I have to explain,
just listen: I'm sorry for what I did I just,
I'm not good at this
My sister has lukemia and she is really sick
I love her so much and it kills me that
she may not be alive,
for my wedding or to meet her neices
or even for my graduation"

she stopped she couldn't go on her throat choked up
she wiped away the tears
she had to explain

"and she's not going to get better
I don't know what my family would do without her"

she was rocking back and forth
her face a mask of pain

"my dad would become depressed
and my mom would never be home
and I don't know what I would do"

she began shaking tears pouring down her face

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the kiss
I'm sorry it wasn't with you"

his thumb wiped away her tears
he hugged her around the sholdures
as she blubbered into his chest

"I'm so sorry" she repeated into his shirt

"don't cry" he mumbled into her hair

"I love you"

"What?" she lifted her head to meet his eyes and the tears stopped

Wanted: Best Friend

I found him only he lives an ocean away
and I miss him
Sue and Tye
I miss playing around with
Sam and Korey and Chris
Milo and Tim Tams after school
and Sue singing,
she was always singing
I miss the usual Sam and Morgan vs. Tye and Grady,
Vegimite vs. Peanut Butter debate
and I miss us
together sharing secrets
because now I have some secrets to share
I want us, I want him
my best friend

One Minute at a Time

Things suck, it seems like everything is screwed up
bucketing EVERYTHING!
I don't want to think beyond the next minute
because beyond the next minute is the future
and the future right now, sucks
everyone is acting skiddish and weird
I finnaly figured out how I fell
you would have liked the answer
but I guess it doesn't matter anymore
things are in past tense
I miss the present
I thought I left my Ipod at the Park and Ride
so I flipped out
I yelled at Grady, then cried
poor Grady he was so nice
he made me meat balls and we ate cookies
I remembered the future
then I broke down all over again
so for now the future is one word- I won't think ahead more than that

Asia

The kid that I was reading with today is the cuitest thing ever
her name is Asia. She is one of those kids that makes me want kids of my own, a lot!
She told me that her Mom is 20 and that she is 5. So her Mom was younger that I am now when she had a kid. A KID! I know high schoolers that get pregnant and think well that seriously sucks for them but I don't think about the rest of their lives this woman is twenty, not even old enough to legally drink but she is raising a kindergartner and doing a pretty good job judging by how awesome Asia is, so my heart goes out to her and I wish her the best of luck.

On a side note:
a little rant, certain people keep assuming the worst in people. Every time they see someone about black high school age they assume that he or she is skipping class then they make stupid comments about how "oh don't get shot!" its Seattle not Harlem for Gods Sake! Yea its not the safest neighborhood and assuming its Disneyland is stupid but just because people who are working at minimum wage and live in government subsidized housing live there doesn't make it unsafe!

Missing You

its themost frusterating,
wonderful thing
I'm falling fast
with a dorky grin
and butterflies in my stomach

now I'm that girl
waiting for you
its killing me
why can't we have
a happy ending?

all in stories all they
end up happy

together

why can't we?
its not so difficult

Bites of Heaven

so I have been reading this book written by a Buddhist nun talks about the principle of nirvana when you have reached a state of peace and joy. For most people it can only rarely be achieved in little bits, bites of heaven. We as humans strive to achieve that state of ecstasy and only you have the power to bring it about. In good times or in bad we have the power to retreat to our own little paradise no matter how much real life sucks. Its beautiful and the most wonderful thing imaginable until it ends, leaving you with only sweet memories.

Obamanation!

"Things have changed
Rearranged"

- Things Have Changed, Freshlyground

so I have this song running through my head and most of it is compleatly irrelevent but these lyrics seem to fit pretty well. Ironic that I should have a song by an African band in my head on the most patriotic day of my lifetime. This is the first time I remember actually being proud to be an American and being hopeful about the future of this country. For once I am among the majority instead of being a minority who opposed Bush. Hope is a powerful thing, I just have to remember that Obama is human not a superhero.

Old Man

he is usually in his house
with a Christmas tree he never takes down
the tree has been there for three years
little kids run from the man who rarely leaves his house

once he lived with a woman
her name was Kathryn
he loved her

they were high school sweat hearts
childhood next door neighbors
best friends
they began dating in 8th grade
fell in love by 9th

he went off too war
she waited for 2 years
the longest of her life

he came back alive
married the next day

they had children
lived happily
grew old

she had cancer
they went to see the world
it was terminal
she died at home

on Christmas Eve
so he lives alone
with a tree for company

and a teenager
she comes over to cook
and to listen to an old man's
who lives in a house
that is no longer a home
without the woman he loved

why isn't love enough?

its crazy that two people can deeply love eachother
and its not enough
it doesn't guarentee a happy ending,
that they can be friends forever,
white picket fences,
or that they can be the two old friends walking their dogs

Love should be enough to keep them together

Hibernation

I just want to get in to my warm and cozy bed
and not get out until its sunny outside
and the madness has ended
I would just lay there ignoring all my problems
just tea and all the books I still havn't read
have adventures without taking off my sweats

you are coming too,
and we will live happily ever after

This Feeling

I have this feeling
this totally irrational crazy feeling
but its so real
in the pit of my stomach
a deep sense of forboding
that people I love will disapoint me
and I willbewithout them
I don't want to bewithout them
and I can't shake the stupid feeling!

Being Strong For You

I am so tired of this
the masks
putting on a happy face
I miss you

and I know things are much worse
than we pretend they are
this charade is exausting
I am tired of the whole thing

Mabey someday we will be able to let it go
but for now its all we can do to hold ourselves together
I wish we could tell the truth

The Rest of my Life!

WHOOOOO! I feel like praying I get in.
I really really really want to go
A lot in case I didn't meantion that before
so:

Dear Jesus, Allah, Buddah, God, Universe, Some higher Spiritual Power
Please Please Please let US go

I promise to be a good girl
PLEASE!

Love,
Morgan

between laughing and crying

This has been the greatest and worst week in awhile.
weird great horrible stressful confusing bizarre
beautiful weird lovely ugly
(I think I am done listing adjectives now)

all of that and its only TUESDAY!

Leave and not come back

Today I went for a run, I went through the park like I usually do, nothing out of the ordinary. I was almost at the place I planned to stop, then I didn't something happened and I couldn't stop so I just kept going. The thought poped into my head I can't go home I should leave home and run away. I started planning where I would go and even that when I got there I would call some friends so they would know I was gone, and I thought I wouldn't miss them. I just kept going and going and I knew I should be tired and hurting but I wasn't. Then I saw a friend who offered to drive me home so I got in the car to talk to her. She took me home. If she wasn't there I'm not sure what would have happened I'm not sure I would have come back.

I am rather shaken up by the whole thing and I need to get away for a bit so I don't just end up running to Canada.

Fast Car

You got a fast car I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal Maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something But me myself I got nothing to prove
You got a fast car And I got a plan to get us out of here

We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

I choose leave tonight
you can come
Geez! I need to go somewhere
the universe is telling me to
If I weren't so damn logical I would just take off
I have the itch, BAD
there are signs everywhere
I need to go

Secrets

so recently people have been telling me a LOT of secrets and they are exploding in my head so I decided to write them postsecret style. Don't try to guess whose they are, most of them are people you don't know a few might even be mine ;)

If you see how broken I am you might not love me anymore
Each day I want to college less and less
I am scared I will only have one parent at my high school graduation because you won’t make it
I want to believe in god again, I just don’t know how
I am so lonely I talk to a high school student at work about my problems
I love a girl but I can’t tell my mom
I will join the army because I can’t disappoint my Dad, even if I end up dead.
I live in Seattle and I am afraid to admit I am a homophobe
I hate myself, and he does too
I pretend to be a jerk because I am afraid of people getting close to me
I was too scared to have the baby, my parents never knew

Honesty

Dear _____
tell your parents the truth.
They love you and want you to be happy,
you arn't
so just explain that to them,
they will understand

Dear ____
I wish you would be honest with me,
you don't have to make things seem better than they are
I figured out the truth
I'm not blind
I just wish ou told me

Dear ____
You are always honest with me
and I love it
you will tell me the truth even when its hard
I try to be honest with you too
but I'm keeping something big to myself
I wish I had the courage to tell you

Turn Red

And we wouldn't mind getting lost

And at every light where the roads will cross

Thinking in our heads

Please turn red

Another light is another minute

Another kiss that you knew I meant

Please turn red

Grant me just another second

One more chance to gaze into those innocent eyes

Just another red light

- Please Turn Red, Andy Davis

Just some especially adorable lyrics,
and a sentiment most people can relate to.

Regresé a escuala
estoy cansado
muy cansado


quiero ir a una lugar
no puedo me queda
porque no estoy me
no se quien estoy
lo no me gusta


no tengo ideas o sueños
no esta nunca in mi mente
una sala vacio

Wanderer

he loves to roame
his feet stop moving for awhile

he makes friends
considers staying

the itch returns
he must scratch, he must leave

he is gone
somewhere new

you might see him again

someday

I don't know which I hate more
the disease
or the drugs
they make you sick
ravaging your body
wreaking havoc
leaving rubble in their wake
they make you a different person
please,
get better
then come back to me

You get up late
your bones ache
lines have appeared on your face

you seem old
old people die
will you die?

wait don't tell me
I don't want to know
not when you could say
yes

Run Away

Today,
I want to run away

Anywhere,
far from here- leave my problems on another continent

Somewhere,
I could live with out regret

There,
I would live simply

Forever

A Plunge

1-1-09, 12:00 am

falling, panic, freedom
splash, cold, pinpricks
clarity, solitude, sinking
sinking
I need air
my head breaks the surface
sound assaults my ears, loud reality
so much for my escape

This Moment

I want time to stop
forever live in this perfect moment
instead it seems to speed up
leaving me stationary
as it speeds past
things begin to blurr
I dig my heels into the ground
trying to make it stop

oh well,
I will just have to enjoy the fleeting bit I still have

it's gone
I still have tomorrow

A Song

vibrations in my body
I can't hear the words
my foot any your head move to the music
for a moment
two strangers share a song
the light changes to green
you drive away
its gone

Some Days

11-26-08
Some days I want to be
anyone but me

someone who could voice
the things I'll never say
today your ear was there

to hear
but then I shied away
back to be just me

Deep Breath and Count to Ten

Now I feel much better and had somethings I meant to post before that just started spilling out

Something I Should Have Said

General Disclaimer: this is totally out of character for me but was pissed and I have nothing against swerve people just the one. who was TOTALLY out of line. You don't have to read this at all as it is purley an angry rant, but I am keeping it up because I don't want to take it down.
(and for his own safety shall not be named)

Dear Swerve Guy,

FUCK YOU!
You are a JERK! what is your problem!Stop making fun of the bikers while you sit on your fat ASS Shut the HELL up! Do you realize what you are saying? you have no idea what you are talking about. do your research. how DARE you FUCKING say things about my friends, my school. don't say things like that especially when you don't know me. you have NO IDEA. just STOP. Shut your DAMN MOUTH. didn't you get a clue when I started CRYING you just should have canned it THEN. the words you said were like a slap in the face. I wish physically had hit me. then I could have hit your fat pudgy face back!


Love,
the girl who isn't gonna keep her mouth shut next time

Walking Man

March 5, 2008

Slowly he walks ,
backpack in hand
no end in sight,
each day is a struggle,
so he walks- moving slowly
his shoes, worn and beaten, make a soft shuffle as he walks,
he is the walking man

He walks through the cold, snow and sleet
People run past in a blur
He is barley a glimpse in their day
He remembers their faces
Thought they forget his
He is the walking man

He has no home to return to
No family to miss him
No one to wonder where he went
He is a nobody- forgotten, invisible
Alone but for me,
I see the walking man

This poem is about a walk I went on I was walking around and infront of me was a homeless man he had everything he owned in his backpack and was meandering the path, I walked behind him for awhile then we started talking.

Thank You

thank you india

thank you terror

thank you disillusionment

thank you frailty

thank you consequence

thank you thank you silence

--------------------------------------

thank you confusion

thank you suffering

thank you for the hurt

thank you hunger

.

how bout falling

how bout flying

how bout loving unconditionally

how bout learning to forgive yourself

.

thank you airplanes

thank you sickness

thank you for hardship
thank you lonliness

.

how bout giving love away

how bout ending war

how bout helping the poor

how bout allowing yourself to be free

--------------------------------------

how bout no longer being masochistic

how bout remembering your divinity

how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes ouy

how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india

thank you providence

thank you disillusionment

thank you nothingness

thank you clarity

thank you thank you silence

- Thank You, Alanis Morissette

These are a few of my favorite things

more specifically things that made me happy today

• The Seattle Public Library - its so pretty and quiet and full of books! (the Freemasons definitely stole their secret books!)
• Red Latte's at Seattle's Best- Rooibos Latte YUM!, you should get one too
• Getting an extra cent of change - the lady at Seattle's best liked me because we used to go to her coffee stand in Roche Harbor
• A homeless woman who loves to read- Mykaila and I saw a woman from Hammond House at the Library
• BOOKS!
• New Music
• Buying a CD for a penny - Crazy Right?
• Making a new friend - she is very cool and in my Drivers Ed class, her name is Hannah and she has no choice we are going to be great friends :)
• Finding a penny
• The Interconnectedness of the world- my new friend Hannah's Dad also works for Costco and they lived in Japan with Costco AND they know friends of my parents AND Hannah went to South Africa in 2008
• homework progress - I finally stopped procrastinating and just did it
• Mykaila- I love you!
• Texting Conversations - Nuff Said
• cookies- especially chocolate chip ones
• No school tomorrow - that's always a plus
• Looking like I speak Thai - a man began speaking to me in Thai, I am guessing its because I was wearing my amulet
• Friends - I love all of them!
• Random Hugging- need I say more?

Resolutions

Its the time of the year where people make resolutions. They resolve to be better people, loose weight, find love, do some thing new. I like others made resolutions each year. For about a week its great,
I feel like I am becoming a better person, early in the next week after life has returned to its normal hussle and bussle those resolutions go out the window to be made again the next year. Then not even a month into the new year I have failed, not a great beginning. This year instead of resolutions I have goals for the year, and any resolution I made last year I can't make again.
So my New Years Goals Are:

• to remember to enjoy the little things
• to spend more time with friends- just for fun
• to be outside more offen
• to read books that aren't for school
• to take things as they come and not let the little things, or the things I can't change bother me

and to do all this I will have to do less procrastinating homework. I made that one last year, oh well, I'm not perfect.

I heard she went to find god in the Indian sub-continent

Alice was a poser
The kind who'd take her clothes off
And sit in a room full of frozen faces
I heard she went to find God
In the Indian sub-continent
It's mad she had to go so far
- Sparkle Me, The Buffseeds

this song encapsulates my feelings right now. I feel like my life is fake and unfulfilled and I have no idea why I feel weird about it because I have no idea where it came from. I have this weird feeling of wanting to run off to India and I have no I idea why India but I have this itch I need to go. Its insane why do I think I need to travel across the world for answers.

My solutions always involve running off to other continents, a psychologist could have fun with that. Africa would work too I just wish I was not here, and all my reasons for staying seem insignificant.

Expectations

I expected things not big things, nothing extrordinary
and I didn't get them
I am trying not to be disapointed- why should I be?
there seems to be something different with you and me
did I change or did you?

Happy Endings

I thought after the begining
when we reached the middle
things would get easier

instead of the ups and downs of a rollercoaster
life would fall into a contented pattern

I hoped this would be the begining
of an era of happieness together

It isn't
but that doesn't change how I feel about you
and I am still waiting for our happy ending