Passport

so I know I am a dork but its that time again tomorrow I am getting a new passport
passport related things in my head:

I am finally a big girl this time I no longer need my parents signing my life away, I get to do it sign the oath and fill out the paperwork myself. The whole thing excites me I get to be in charge. I can't help feeling that is means something, something more than just a simple passport.

My three previous passports have each only lasted 5 years so when I finally got enough stamps for an insert the thing expired! Just when it got interesting i had to start over. This one, the new one, will last me for ten years so I get the chance to fill it up and get some lettered inserts.
when it expires I will be 26, that seems old. It makes me wonder, what will I be in ten years?
Will 16 year old me be proud of 26 year old me? What if I'm not what if I screw up and end up being nobody and not doing anything and I simply watch time go by and leave this world having changed nothing, left no mark. Will my 26 year old passport be covered in the lace of the customs clerk's careless stamps or blank and barren?

I know crazy right why the hell am I getting so nostalgic over a paper book. To me it is more than that. Traveling is such a part of who I am and each stamp of each country is also a stamp on my heart where I remember the joy, suffering, kindness, love and hate of the people I meet. By flipping through those blue pages I see more than stamps of entry and exit, I see faces of the people I have meet, remember the beauty I saw, smell the fragrances of cities and forests. That little blue book shows the dates I entered and exited countries, memories I cherish.

But what if at 26 there are no such memories I have forgotten the things I love now. I have forgotten the suffering of my fellow humans and my drive to do something to help them.

Things I can do at 26 I can't do now:
vote
go to bars
see R movies (and X too :p)
join the army
not go to school
get sent to jail
not live with my parents
travel by myself
get married

My Bit of Magic

I may have found it- you helped
it started when we stayed up until midnight
just to be the first ones to wish eachother Merry Christmas
talking and laughing, laughing and talking
I still wonder how you're afraid of loud nioses

When I got up it was to a White Christmas
and the suprise that Santa had visited
After several Christmases - Four to be exact
by the fourth Grady and I laughted at how sick we felt
then we had a usual Italian Family loud and crazy Christmas

I think I got a bit of magic back

My Life Raft

*don't get any ideas this isn't about anyone in particular*

my life raft in the sea
pull me back when my head is slipping under
keep me afloat in a storm

my light in the dark
when I am alone and stumbling you light my path
you protect me from the monsters

my magic in a world of disbelief
when I thought the magic was one
you made me think fairy tales can happen again

my hope in a tragedy
when I thought all was gone
you brought me back

my smile in despair
when I felt like crying
you made me laugh when I thought I couldn't

The Magic

* This is my journal entry from yesterday*
Its Christmas eve the day when I used to be so excited about Christmas I couldn't sleep or stop moving. But something happened this year for the first year ever it doesn't seem like Christmas it seems just like a normal day. Not even a good normal day my Mom was flipping out because people were coming over. Then we all went to mass, normally I like mass not because I find it meaningful but because its peaceful and I like the predictability of the whole thing and it gives me a chance to think. Today there was no peace there was no joy for Christmas the whole thing was wholly devoid of magic.

wish me luck finding some magic!

Answers

Sometimes you just want some answers.
a nudge in the right direction

I don't need a huge life changing revelation
or some kind of huge epiphany

I don't need a burning bush
or some big booming voice

I don't need a magic ball to tell me the future
or a genie to grant my wish

I don't need a miracle
No biggie just a few little answers

so who or whatever is out there in the universe
can you help me out?

Something about winter

There is something about winter that makes me miss summer
weird right don't get me wrong I love winter too
but right now I wish it was summer

I wish I had my kids all around splashing and trying to get out of swimming
my little:
King of the Bush Babies Alex who is a weirdo
Kisten the cuitest girl ever who alwase has a smile and a hug for me
Gerogina who is the most adorable thing you have ever seen
Caroline who alwase is ready to get to work
Matt my little Bond- Boy
Oly that kid is nuts and would lead the anti-work revolution
My twins Elias and Max alwase ready to tell me something about poo
My very own little princess Ella
Taylor Ella's "sister from another mister"
Griffin my little torpedo
and ALL my other little cuties

of course my big friends Amy and Emily (who left for real jobs) Brian and Brett what would we be with out our swim nerds, Ian and Alex who are there for comedy relief and of course Sara my savior

I love them all

and a Camp song comes to mind:
Sing me a rainbow, paint me a dream
Show me a world that I’ve never seen
Whisper a sunset and when you do
You’ll know how you feel
You’ll know how I feel
When im with …

You walked into my life
on such an ordinary day
but its been extrodinary
since you’ve come my way
there’s nothing I can’t do
as long as you continue to

Sing me a rainbow, paint me a dream
Show me a world that I’ve never seen
Whisper a sunset and when you do
You’ll know how you feel
You’ll know how I feel When im with …

You brought something special
to a life that was so dull
Feelings that you turn me onto
I just can’t explain
Something happens when I'm near you
Now I just can’t wait to hear you

Sing me a rainbow, paint me a dream
Show me a world that I’ve never seen
Whisper a sunset and when you do
You’ll know how you feel
You’ll know how I feel When im with you

Darlin' Won't You Wait

A song that has been floating around my head:

Darling won’t, you wait
won’t you wait, won’t you wait
darling won’t you wait for me
should another love, come along, come along
simply tell her your not free
send her on her way on her way
kiss me once again before you say goodbye



I think I could possibly..... love you too

Not MORE Snow!

I am SO bored I might go insane

I was going to do things
then the snow came

I had plans
then it snowed

I had to work today
and it snowed

I tried to go out side
but I fell in the snow

I NEED to get off MI I don't think I have ever spent this long without leaving the Island
AHHHH

Uurg!

you made you're way into my head
and now I can't get you out

today all I thought about
was your lips on mine
my arms around your neck
white swirling around us

snowflakes melting on our faces
the way your arms feel around me
keeping me warm in your embrace

you made your way into my head
and its driving me crazy

Rollercoster

So today was rather up and down
I am left with as many questions as answers
I got some great new music (yay!)
and read with music in my bed that was very nice
due to my crisis of yesterday I have been alternating between
being shocked/horrified and suprised/happy
I am finding it harder and harder to be horrified
and easier to be happy

I Lied

I Lied I did hear
I just don't know
what to say
I'm sorry

Dancing

So this randomly poped up on my hardrive (don't worry i put it there once)
and I happen to think sometimes things happen for a reason and it fits so:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain"

and dear god it is stormy the storm is epic and I feel like I am being blowin into the air from all sides. I am in need of an anchor which I thought I had but turns out I am floating down a river without a paddle. This would be a nice time to be religous and think that somewhere out there in the huge universe there is a plan. Alas there is no plan at least not right now, I am planless.

so back to my topic dancing in the rain. I really have no idea how to go about that. At a loss of what else to do I went outside which was nice and suprisingly pleasent now my head is clearer.

Dear Snow

please stick around
the world is serene wraped in white
people stay home warm with family
swaddled in blankets
sipping steamy drinks
life returns to simplicity

You Asked....

I said yes
that changes everything

The End

the thought of you leaving
doesn't scare me nearly as much as this
the uncertainty


will you be around
this year? next year?
for my graduation?
there at my wedding?
to meet your grandkids?
this the uncertainty it kills me


one day you won't be here
to mend my heartaches
to pick up the pieces
and put me back together again
and I'll be broken and missing you


what scares me the most is not that this will come to an end
all things must end...
eventually
some sooner than others
but what if this never goes away?

the hurt loving you brings to me


our fights make my heart ache
who knows how much time we have
how can we waste it like this?
when I come home and know you are trying to be strong for me
I feel like my world comes crashing down


even in the end
I love you

As usual disney sums up my life

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you

basically this is I feeling about life
(I wish I was as cool as disney

Tiny Castle

I build it up around me
my tiny castle

it protects me from the world
my tiny castle

I am alone, sheltered in
my tiny castle

you nudged your way into
my tiny castle

and my tiny castle came tumbling down

Frozen Lips

they were trapped inside her head
she wanted to say it
to utter deep depths of her soul
hidden from the world
she tried to say it
it froze on her lips
returning to silence and secrecy
if she dared to say it they would become harsh reality
she was alone again in the prison of her own head