The Heart

it starts in the SA node
electrical impulses travel through purkinje fibers
causing muscles to contract and valves to shut

I know how it works I know why it works
but I can't explain how
it makes me feel to be wrapped up in your arms
hearing that familiar sound

I cant't explain why P wave, QRS wave and T wave
make me feel this way about you

I can't explain the gentle tug as you leave
why it hurts to miss you
why my chest swells when you're here

anhelo de mi país

It's funny how I get homesick for a place I didn't live very long from a place I've lived for years. Tonight I found myself skyping with a few of my favorite friends then overcome by my desire for Lomo Saltado. Listening to Salsa surrounded by the distinct aroma of Lomo screaming across the kitchen to a friend on skype in Spanish, for a few moments it felt like home.

After our discussion in English class today I was more aware of how I behave in one language versus another. In Spanish I'm more emotive; I gesture more, I laugh louder and I use more explicatives. Words satisfyingly roll off my tongue. I think in my second language I have to be more intentional about what I say and take more notice of euphemisms than in English. Spanish sounds prettier than English.
Spanish is a good language for falling in love...

Cooking Playlist:
Mas - Nelly Furtado
Que Tengo Hacer - Omega
25 Horas Al Dia- Juan Luis Guerra
En Un Solo Dia- Wason Brazoban
Cuando Me Enamoro- Enrique Inglesias
Guapa- Diego Torres
Te Amo - Makano
Tu No Eres Para Me- Fanny Lu
Todo Mi Corazon- DLG
Yo No Se Manana - Luis Enrique

"Y tengo tanto que aprender
en este camino insierto
las hojas del árbol caen
tu amor me guía siempre.

En este cielo
contigo estoy
siento que vuelo
contigo estoy."
- Soledad, El Tiempo Pasa

sometimes we get lucky.

we were each other's bridges

I needed you to make me feel safe again
you needed someone to make you feel less alone

I needed someone to tell my story to
you needed someone to understand

I needed hope
you needed faith

I needed someone who wasn't afraid
you needed to remember being cared for

we couldn't have a happily ever after together,
but because of each other,
we might just get that happy ending with someone else

I didn't love you but you changed me,
thank you for breaking my silence

this girl

somewhere along the way I became this girl
I don't recognize her

she's not like the old one,
people tell her secrets
seek her advice and hope she'll reassure them

she's not afraid of much anymore
after everything she's been through
there's not much left to scare her anymore

this girl gets angry more easily
but she's a better listener
she doesn't know if anything will feel the same again

she's alone
she's broken
but her fractures have begun to heal
into something stronger than she ever could have been before

Little did I know that in my Mom's struggle with cancer, I too became an expert. Recently, an adult I very much admire's brother was diagnosed with lymphoma. Before she even had to say a word I recognized the look on her face. Scared shit-less and trying to pretend everything will be ok. We sat down to talk and she asked my advice.

I wish you were physic
and could read my mind
tell me what I need to hear
because I can't tell you
you care too much

I love you

the day I became an adult, was the day I told my mother goodbye

even though we complain, secretly, I like wasting time with you

light danced across faces,
pausing on noses and cheeks,
reflecting of the tracks of salty tears.
emotion hung heavy in the stagnant air.
the sweet smell of smoke permeated the room.
tired hands linked us together,
in a bittersweet begining.

I wish you would call, I finally feel ready to share

that night we were invincible

"He"- that's Simon Bolivar - "was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race between his misfortunes and his dreams was at that moment reaching the finish line. The rest was darkness. Damn it, he sighed. 'How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!"

So what's the labyrinth?' I asked her...

That's the mystery, isn't it? Is the labyrinth living or dying? Which is he trying to escape- the world or the end of it?

— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

one teenage girl

You were a girl in small town America,
who dreamed of being a dancer.
But, would we have been friends?

You knew how to shoot a gun,
and were Miss Priest River.
But, were you nice to the weird kids?

You were smart,
always got good grades.
But, did you sneak out with friends?

I know so much about you,
but do I really know you at all?

The Ghost of Dishes Past

After dinner we'd wash the dishes,
you would wash and I'd dry.
you took off your rings and watch,
putting them on the right side of the sink, in every house.
you submersed your hands in the hot, soapy water
scrubbing the dried remains of dinner from the cookware.
Steam fogged up the window pane,
insulating us from the dark outside.
When I was little, we'd joke and laugh,
you'd flick foam in my face.
We'd blow bubbles with the lemon scented soap.
"Joy", now it seems ironic.

One day the laughter stopped.
You washed dishes in silence,
gazing out the window.
into the dark sillouettes of pine trees.
I knew something was wrong.

now,
I wash the dishes alone.
I can still hear the faint echo of frivolity,
almost see your vibrant smile.
You're an ocean away,
that youthful playfullness has vanished.
I still love you.

Strawberries

the sweet, tart taste of summer
red juice dripping down my chin
tiny seeds tickling my throat
a little too round, a little too perfect
not quite ripe enough

it's ok little friend,
you were grown in Mexico.
when it's time to be ripe here
you'll be imperfect
a little too mushy, a little too ugly
juicier and more delicious

and warmed with the bright light of summer

hermanita

ten éxito en tus trabajos
ten suerte en el amor
encontra la felicidad la vida

siempre quiería una hermana
la recibí

siempre está en mi corazón
te amo!

Miles to where you are:

4976

I spin, colliding into sound

we weren't ever in love
we shared a few summer nights

I giggled
you smiled

I splashed you
you threw me in the water

I shivered
you kissed me

it was just for fun,
we weren't in love
but we loved each other
it could've been something more

a little green princess

on a bunk atop sleeping bags,
two little girls
giggling about our make believe world

first crushes, braces and "that awkward stage"
we shared secrets in the dark

first this and first that
our secrets became more serious

sitting next to each other, laptops in hand
neither of us able to focus on "homework"

being the two girls who always have to pee,
hunting for bathrooms together

giving each other crap
about the various boys in and out of our lives

crying over loss
laughing over mishaps
celebrating triumphs

now, we're thinking about leaving,
going our separate ways

I know we'll stay friends
for years to come

hearts break slowly

a tiny fissure, we barley noticed
becomes a gaping chasm
hearts break slowly

taking their sweet time
until one day we realize what we've lost
hearts break slowly

one day, will the hole close?
will it leave a scar?
hearts break slowly


does it get any easier to take a chance
when you know,
hearts break slowly

una coronita de flores para que te acuerdes de mí

I miss your smell lingering on my skin, your taste on my lips
the warmth of your breath as your whispered secrets tickled my ear
and the smiles we'd share

holding on to you is becoming harder
like trying to remember a dream
it's easier to miss you

falling in love was quick,
effortless
falling out of love is slow,
painful

some part of me will always love you
but another part of me misses that feeling
and is ready to move on
something casual
for now,
a fling?

with wild hearts, blue jeans and white t-shirts

I can't wait for summer either

I've missed the anticipated sound of a text message that can make my heart skip a beat

Swings, grass stains and sleepless nights

when the sun comes back around,we see the spider webs that have accumulated in the dark of winter.It's sudden, joyful clarity. Time for new beginnings and starting over. Hope and dreams come out of hiding. Pink cherry blossoms float through the air, littering ground. Waking up to the sound of chattering birds after a night on the beach. Brown leafless trees are covered in new growth. Winter's brown replaced colored by spring's pinks, yellows and greens. Homework is put off in favor of frolicking outside. Swings, grass stains, sleepless nights, star gazing and popsicles. Spring is here!

la primavera

When the sun comes out to play
after months of being hidden away
flowers peak out of the ground
and leaves are plump and round

lyrics floating around my head

she doesn’t care a thing,
about that hair
she’s beautiful

I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Every night, we fell in love
no one else could make me sadder
but no one else could lift me high above

Can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

And in the midst of this self-inflicted pain.
I can see my beautiful rescue.

So take these words
And sing out loud

Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better

I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shores

Stage 4

we sometimes lie, because it's easier or so we don't have to see the look.
you were shocked how easy it became too.
it's just easier than explaining.
there are too many big words teenagers shouldn't know.
worries that can't be explained.

I saw you rush outside, eyes wet with sadness.
Silently I followed. I didn't know your name but I knew I could help.
I sat next to you and gently asked what happened. You turned to me and I recognized the look on your face, I've felt it too, one of hidden sadness and secrets. You said, my mom is dead. It hung there in the air for a few minutes. I hugged you and asked how it happened. "Breast Cancer" you said, in a flat, dead voice. "Mine has Breast Cancer too" I said. Then we talked for what seemed like years. Your jacket around me in the cold as we huddled together.

I'm glad you understand.

I am tired of waiting,
when I am almost ready to give up you come back

Happy List

(Inspired by H.B.)

1. Next years classes,(Segall+Fenoli+ Mirzack= greatness)
2. Mustafa and OWN Arabic
3. The Jew, the Sunni, the Shiite, the Protestant, the Hindu, the Catholic, and the Atheist (we are starting a band!) having a honest open discussion about religion
4. Acting out the Bible
5. Singing "Hero" with N!
6. a chocolate and a nice chat from Sr. O'Dea
7. Fenoli and the Bugs
8. FR School of the Sacred Heart
9. Moroccan Food for Dinner
10. Sr. O'Dea calling an Austen character a "dick"
11. a call from a certain elusive Colombian
12. a beautiful sunset
13. good friends
14. facial symmetry
15. dulces en la clase de español (gracias a P, T y Señora)

I am taking a fight the homework mentality, evolution will aid my study skills!

And everyone keeps saying
Nothing helps but time
Time is all I own
The time won't stop replaying over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days
- Joshua Radin

raggedy ann

only the people you love can break your heart
but what about the ones you didn't choose to love
the ones who don't know they broke your heart
little wrips from love

or asked forgiveness only to do it again
when it's too easy to empathize
worn soiled spots, when she was dragged through the dirt

if it could partially be your fault
holes carefully patched

every time you loose a little of yourself
mended with all too obvious black stitches

you're my missing step
you're the moment that my stomach drops and
I fall through the air with panicked excitement
you're the jarring thud of security

it happens every time I hear your voice, see your smile,
it's always surprising, never gets old

I still love you
and thinking of you in past tense is harder than I though't it'd be

subliminal messages

I see the little look in your eyes
it's not just about us
there is a second meaning
a second reason

something else going on

I don't like it

it feels dishonest

would you die for the one you love?

this week learning about Rwanda I found myself pissed, hurt and betrayed.
why didn't people do what's right, what they knew they should do.
why didn't one politician grow a back bone and scream.
how did so many people shuffle around watching a genocide
why didn't ordinary people cry for the lives lost
how did they just leave people to die, how does a human do that to another human being
they vowed never again, they vowed to remember
no one cares about African lives...
human lives are the most precious commodity,
it transcends economics and politics
after Rwanda how can we do it all over again in Darfur

I don’t like the science, I don't like having time to think about me
I would rather be in the middle of a crisis or watching TV
I'd rather be busy
That way I can avoid the me stuff
My problems
I'd rather solve someone else's


I can't solve my own

Coming Full Circle

I was reading this month last years entries in my journal. The irony of one of the entries put a sad smile on my face. I was reflecting on being back from Africa and how even when I leave the continent my problems still chase me. I try to run faster, stay away longer then when they do catch up I end up falling flat on my face. Different continents a year apart and I still have the same problem. I hate winter in Seattle.

Las Chicas Bailar!

It was a good beginning to the weekend

I love you girls!

I LOVE YOU KAYA!

"Doing something you need
to do is like pooping
it can be either
spiritual & cleansing
or
awkward & uncomfortable
but either way
you pooped
and that's what matters"
- Kaya P.

How do we reconcile the flaws of the people we love
with the people we thought they were?
What about when we may not like the people we love?
When they let us down and break our hearts?
How do we have faith in people when they let us down?
How do we go on when we have to face our issues?

when I was little my parents were my heroes
they would fix anything
I could run to them in the middle of the night
they would make the bad guys go away

they were perfect, they would live forever
they would always protect me

now they're gone
and I am left to be my own superhero

Did I lie?

you are becoming someone I don't recognize
it scared me, you scare me

no matter what, I still love you

How do we forgive our fathers?

Maybe in a dream.
Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever, when we were little?
Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage,
or making us nervous because there never seemed to be any rage there at all?
Do we forgive our fathers for marrying, or not marrying, our mothers?
Or divorcing, or not divorcing, our mothers?
And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?
Shall we forgive them for pushing, or leaning?
For shutting doors or speaking through walls?
For never speaking, or never being silent?
Do we forgive our fathers in our age, or in theirs?
Or in their deaths, saying it to them or not saying it.
If we forgive our fathers, what is left?
- Sherman Alexie, Dick Lourie

missed the boat

How did we get our timing so wrong?

Will we get a second chance or is the moment gone?

just another love sick teenage girl

I never intended to become one, a love sick teenage girl. I had intended to avoid all the chiches in high school, to blaze a new trail and be unique. And then I fell for you and all my promises to different fell by the wayside. Honestly, I threw them to the wayside so I could chase you. I did. We fell, tumbling together, head over heels in love. There were butterflies in my stomach and fireworks when we kissed. Leaving you broke my heart, my chest ached to leave you. The thing sappy love stories don't tell you is how hard it is to leave, to move on. Unlike the stories, I don't know if I get a happy ending. My comfort lies in youth, I have time. Someday I will find someone new. Someday I will fall in love again. I think some small part of me will never fall out of love with you.

I know it's crazy

but I you could be my forever.
we get each other like no one else does,
we laugh at the same stupid jokes,
we both love kids,
we are both water people,
we are enough different to keep life interesting,
we talk for hours,
we share secrets,
we dream of he same adventures,
we both just want to be happy,
we can sit together for hours,
we want to see the world,
we are best friends,

we could be in love

someday,
we could be forever

today,
your just my friend
and I love you

before I opened my eyes I forgot:
It's over
I can't see the look you have, just for me
or your the way you smell when your arms are wrapped around me,
How you can bake my stomach fluter and my heart accelerate.

it's easier not to think of you now,
but when something little reminds me of you
I wonder how I could possibly forget for a moment.

I am learning that falling out of love is much harder than falling in...
in the moments before I woke up there was a smile on my face

I miss you

is this the eye of my hurricane, or has it finally ended?

This morning driving over I-90 I saw the most amazing cloud of little black birds over the lake. This absolutely astounding three second moment. No one else seemed to see this unusual cloud of birds.

So I looked up black bird symbolism and here is what the internet has to say:

"The blackbird is symbolic of omens and mysticism as well as the color of fear and promise. It is a reminder to look outside of ourselves for clues and meanings to see what is in store for us in the future. Black is a color associated with loss and fear but it is also associated with promise. For instance we wear black at a funeral but also to a new job interview. The color black varies drastically in its meaning and so does the blackbird, this symbol holds both good and negative things to come in your future."

Fear and Promise, that is shockingly apt for my life right now.

Just Another Shadow

she grabbed the leash and stormed out of the house
hearing a boom and feeling a burst of air as she slammed the door behind her
her feet angrily stomped the pavement as she walked
Maya's stubby legs blurred as she struggled to keep up

i can't believe them they are so STUPID uuuuugh! this is so crazy that's it I am running away so I don't have to deal with this shit any more uuuugh! the worst part is just screw it screw them all

lifted her chin screaming "FUCK THE WORLD!"
Her throat stung with the force of her curses,
and some of her anger subsided.

on top of the usual school, homework, boys and lack of sleep problems her best friend hadn't spoken to her in a month. It all started with a stupid new boyfriend, the kind of guy with a real winning personality, NOT! Oh! and a propensity to smoke himself into oblivion- clearly a keeper. She loved her friend but it seemed latley all Ashley did was party, smoke and generally avoid homework. She was addicted. Ashley had liked the occasional party, they both had, but now Ashley couldn't stop. A month ago before she started skipping SAT prep classes that she wanted to go to Dartmouth. Now Ashley was contented to go wherever she could get in without any effort. She missed her friend she was lost and lonely. She was simultaneously pissed her BEST friend could just up and dump her. She knew why, Ashley was an addict. Mostly, she was worried for her friend and lost for what to do to get her back. Should she tell Ashley's mom? No, she couldn't betray her friend like that. But, Ashley needed help and she needed her friend back.

So she threw back her head and screamed it again,
"FUCK THE WORLD!" she hollered.
This time she felt the anger drain from her body,
replaced with bone crushing exhaustion.

She stopped slumped to the ground of someone else's lawn.
Tears began rolling down her face.

For a moment she wished to be a kid again. Wished, she could run to her mom and tell her everything. She wished her Mom could give her a hug and make it all better, make it go away. She was too young for this. She didn't know how to fix it. She was helpless. She hugged Maya, taking comfort in her furry warmth.

She got up and begun the walk home,
wiping the stinging tears from her face.

Emerging from the darkness, just shadow of a girl walking the dog.

Note: Getting out of my car Wednesday night I heard a girl walking a dog screaming "fuck the world" on my dark street. I found myself wondering her story so I wrote it.

Cranial Nerves

the cool thing about science is that unlike rules of grammar or the laws of numbers,it existed before we did. The way chemicals interact has been the same for eons, they are concrete and unchanging. They explain why things happen the way they do they was elements interact. Those elements interact in us we are just organisms made of atoms controled by electrical impulses that trigger hormones which are simply the interaction of chemicals comprised of elements. We walk and talk and think and feel because a bunch of elements. Some people believe only in science thinking that they cannot have faith in any god. I see things another way, I see a miracle in people all we are is a pile of matter and yet our bodies heal themselves and evolve and best of all those piles of matter have the power to choose. So, as I question the religion I've been taught and grapple with what to believe I do have faith in the miracle of well... us, humans.

a relic of freshman year that stuck with me

"Dear God," she prayed, "let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere-- be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost." - A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

this time last year I dreamed of running away
this time this year I have just returned from running away

yet somehow I feel like I am back in the same place
I have learned so much, experienced so many new things

grown up

endured

and yet so much is the same

it didn't fade with the dawn

four teenagers sitting in the basement.
lives just beginning,they could do anything they want.
so many firsts they've had and so many yet to experience.

they discuss the future, their paths beginning to materialize,
yet so much is still uncertain.
as the conversation continues eyes meet.
Begin a conversation of their own,
the kind only two people in love can share.

the other two realize that they are now alone in the conversation,
they happily exchange a knowing look, one giggles,
as they remember what its like to be newly in love.
the four sit together in a room,
the air tangibly full of young love and possibility.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

four adults share a dingy flat in eastern europe,
years have passed,the same four find themselves in another basement.
this basement is more chaotic,
with an odd smell coming from the ugly green carpet.

they begin another part of their lives,
very different from the last one.
one couple still has a few adventures left in them,
the other has settled down,they are expecting a child.

the group recounts their days as they prepare dinner.
someone meantions a certain movie,
two best friends share a look and laugh,
two boys shake their heads
at two girls they have no hope of understanding.
they are embraced by the atmosphiere of hope and years of love and friendship.

if I close my eyes

I can still taste you on my lips
feel your touch on my skin

I miss you

now I'll wait for time to pass
wait until I've forgotten you

just a little